As I look back at my days when I was a regular drinker and drug user, I feel the impetus was most often to seek detachment from my body. Either I was dealing with stress that I did not want to feel, or I was so used to self-medicating to escape the feeling of stress that I sought to feel that sense of detachment again because it felt so good. These days, I no longer drink, or smoke or consume anything other than caffeine (which I may one day give up as well). I do still get my highs, however, but I do so through meditation, contemplation, intense exercise and rest.
I often question why I and many others seek that detachment from body. Many of us prefer that state and would choose not to come back, if given the opportunity. I feel that all creatures tend to follow their nature and given that so many people choose to detach from physical reality, it makes me wonder, if we are trying to reattune to a more natural state than physical reality? Could it be evidence for immortal spiritual existence that we tend to seek out a state more akin to our true endemic state, namely, one of disembodied consciousness?
Admittedly, I got pretty close on many occasions, since I’d wake and use any chance I could get and I’m sure you know the rest of the story. I had many health, social and familial problems. I missed out on countless opportunities for unique and once-in-a-lifetime experiences because I chose to drink/smoke instead. Those are some of the regrets I’ll carry with me as heavy baggage into my judgement or possibly my next lifetime, so I’m intent on really internalizing those mistakes in this incarnation such that if I were to be reincarnated (perhaps, yet again) then I hope to not make those same mistakes. And if I am to be judged, then I can only hope that I have properly atoned for the hurt I’ve caused.
I try to do a lot of soul searching and really drill into why I make certain choices and what I truly believe at year 43 of this lifetime. I have fought many battles, as I’m certain most others have and ultimately, I wish for internal peace. We are all warriors, so to speak, fighting the conditions life throws at us, or that we create ourselves, most often unknowingly. At some point in every warrior’s life, peace becomes the goal and I no longer believe it comes from outside sources.
Noematos 